A (HUGE!) personal lapse in integrity

This is a confession that I have been procrastinating about making for many years now.  The truth is that I was hoping I would just be able to forget about it, and it would just disappear.  Perhaps that is true, but I really feel that for the sake of my credibility on this website, I need to be totally open about this.

On this blog I shout a lot about the need for financial probity or transparency, integrity and honesty in Christian ministry.  And yet, there is a certain incident in my own history where I personally demonstrated none of these.  I should have confessed a very long time ago, but up till now I’ve been too ashamed to admit what I did.

I am a web designer. A few years ago, when I was attending a certain church, I agreed with the leaders of their youth department to create a website for them for free.  So that was fine, and I went ahead and created the website.  But then, I turned around and asked for payment, and pretended that I had expected payment all along. I don’t know what came over me – it was not premeditated.  I should just have confessed right there and then.  But instead of owning up, I went ahead and lied further to cover my tracks.
And now to have to admit, so many years later, that it was a lie all along…

Now the reason I’ve been able to get away with not confessing was because there were grounds for claiming confusion, or crossed wires.  But no, it was a lie.

By God’s grace I am so committed to God, and I was so committed to God even back then that it is so embarrassing for me to admit that I am capable of doing this.  But clearly I am.  At the time I even said “I’m sorry (too) for not making my expectations about payment clear” – making it sound as if it was a case of crossed wires, when all along I knew that I had definitely agreed for the work to be free, and that I was lying (I feel so ashamed!)

What I feel to be worse now is not even the initial lies, but rather those long years of silence. I must sincerely apologise to the everyone concerned as this apology is so long overdue. I am so sorry, and I hope you can all forgive me! 😉


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